Eternal Dusk
by ButtholeBonanza
Summary: There was a long, pregnant, silence. "Bella, I can't do this anymore." Jasper/Edward/Bella/Jacob/Carlisle. M for violent sexuality.
1. Chapter 1

"It's a beautiful day in this neighbourhood, a beautiful day for a neighbour. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?" Edward finished singing to Bella.

"Aww, how kyoooooooot! Did you make that up for me?"

"Yes," he smiled softly. Bella shuddered and winced.

"I have no problem with your apparent epilepsy," Edward smiled softly. Bella twitched.

"Make me a sandwich." Edward smiled softly.

"You don't eat people food!" Bella giggled.

Edward smiled softly, "Do it." Bella ran into her kitchen, making sure to watch out for her passed out father lying on the floor.

While Edward was alone he let out a low baritone meat fart and smiled softly. Just as he let it all out, Jacob let himself in.

"Bella? Oh fuck it smells bad! Did your dad shit behind the TV again?" Jacob looked around and saw

Edward. "Oh."

Edward stared at Jacob intensely, not moving. Jacob peered into his emotionless eyes. Edward let another rip and started to laugh. He sighed softly with a crooked grin on his face.

Bella sprinted into the room, yelling "What's funny? I wanna know! I wanna knooooooo-!" She tripped over her father and knocked her self out.

Jacob gingerly sauntered over to Edward. He piped up then he said,

"I'm more man than you."

To which Edward replied "I don't th-"

"Lets compare dongs."

It was silent for a long time.

Edward turned to an unconscious Bella.

"I'm going now." He picked up the sandwich she was bringing him and smiled softly.

"Bitch still made me a sandwich."

***

Bella woke up on the floor next to her drunk father.

"Rrrggrr," Charlie said as Jacob helped Bella up. "Bella," Jacob began, "there's something I want to

ask you…and it really means a lot…it means everything…"

"What? What is it? I wanna know! I wanna knooooow!"

"No." They stared at each other for what seemed like several moments. Several. "…Anyways. Will you marry-"

Charlie then decided to throw in a very unwelcome "Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," to which Jacob gave him a swift kick in the gut, forcing gas and feces out of Charlie's colon.

"Oh fuck! You made me shit my pants!"

"Will you marry me?" Jacob asked.

"I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," she whined gracefully and winced.

"Great! We can-"

"But I also love Edwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd." She interrupted.

"What?"

"I can't marry yoooooooooou!" she said, twitched and thrashing.

Charlie's request for a new pair of pants and some Rolaids went unnoticed.

"Get out." Jacob said.

"But-"

"Get out of my house!" he yelled. Bella slunk out of the house crying.

"If I were you, I'd set a four hundred pound grizzly on her." Charlie said, lying on the floor, smelling of shit.

***

Jacob shoved the bear by the ass into the tree.

"Move you fucken bitch!"

"Rrrrghhhnn." The bear growled.

Jacob angrily punched the bear in the kidney before shoving it further into the tree. He had already managed to rip the window from its place in Bella's room. It left a hole big enough for a bear. A grizzly bear filled with grizzly rage. A grizzly bear filled with grizzly farts which Jacob was briefly subjected to with a final push into Bella's room.

"Rrrrgnnnggghhh," the grizzly growled sarcastically.

"That's none of your business," said Jacob.

He heard Bella entering the house. He knew it was her as he had personally sent Charlie, piss drunk, to the store in his police cruiser. He fled, hoping that Bella would die a grizzly death. A grizzly bear death.

***

Bella opened the front door.

"Hello?" She called.

"Rrrrggrrgggrrr," was the response she got from upstairs.

"Hi Dad!" She walked into the kitchen. Tonight she was making pork chop sandwiches for dinner.

Bella had just started cooking the pork chops when she was bombarded with a foul smell.

"Dad, did you shit behind the TV again?"

"Rrrgghrr,"

She briefly left her pork chops to search for the shit. She checked behind the TV, in the sink and in the umbrella holder. There was one place left for Bella to check.

Near her room was where the scent was strongest. She winced and shuddered, then started to shake on the ground. Everything was black.

She got up and opened the door to her bedroom. There was a huge dump on her pillow.

"Ewwwwwww." She whined.

Bella's high pitched voice woke up the huge bear sleeping in her bed.

"RrrrrrgggrrrrRRR," the bear growled, lumbering into attack position. He broke the bed shifting his weight. A resounding crack startled the bear to the point where it began barrelling towards Bella, growling with rage.

The bear pinned Bella to the floor and began batting her gaily in the face.

"Rrrrgrrrgrrrg,"

It was only several minutes before the bear got off Bella and went to shit in the corner.

This was Bella's chance. She quickly sprinted out of her room and fell down the stairs. As she lay, knocked out from cracking her nose on the railing, Charlie parked in the driveway. The police siren still going and the drivers' side left open as he entered the house.

Charlie noticed Bella lying on the floor in a puddle of blood.

"Bella, you finally got your period!" He said joyously. "What are you cooking?"

His expression fell when he realized the cold hard, _hard_, truth.

"Pork chop sandwiches!" he cried and ran into the kitchen.

The over had lit a nearby cloth on fire, the flames were quite large.

"Oh fuck! We're all gonna die!" Charlie screamed. As he ran out of the house he called back to Bella, "Call the cops! The house is on fire!" He then took off in his police car.

***

Bella awoke at the Cullen's house with a bandaged nose. Edward was cradling her head in his arms, smiling softly and gently singing.

"Go, go, Power Rangers," he quietly sang as Bella twitched and winced and shuddered. "Mighty morphin' power rangeeeerrs." He finished eloquently.

"Oh, Edward! That's so kyoooooot! You're so good at writing songs!"

"I know," he smiled softly.

"You saved meeeeeeeeeeeee!" Bella shuddered. "How did you manage to fight the bear and put out the fire and save me?"

"Bear?"

"Yeah…the bear…" Bella seemed to be distracted for a moment. Staring at Edward was like staring at God himself, when he showed up. Edward was beautiful, and the way his pale granite-porcelain finger was digging further into his nose was entrancing. Bella was breathless and Edward could tell by her passion filled grimace that there really was only one thing on her one track mind.

"Bella…" Edward began, not exactly sure what to say. Not only did he still have a finger and a half up his nose, he also had an anus the was burning with the intensity of a thousand suns. "…But…I have a fiery butt hole," then he began weeping hysterically, his bowels became uncontrollable. The pity Bella felt can opnly be compared to the intense inflammation of Edward's anus.

Bella then said, "At least get rid of the bear."

***

Edward accompanied Bella home, they had deep conversation.

"So it's kind of like taking a big dump," Edward argued, "I don't see why you won't-"

Bella screamed. Edward made an angry face.

There, on Bella's front lawn, was Jacob's car spinning in circles. The speakers blared "_…the bitch got a problem 'cause she thinks she's SO-fisticated._" Jacob was making near perfect donuts on the lawn, singing along, he shouted "_SOOOOO-fisticated._"

"Rrrrggrrrg," the bear said. It was partially hanging out of Bella's front window, with a sideways baseball cap and what appeared to be a gun duct taped to its paw.

"_SO-fisticated._"

"Jacooooob!" Bella whined, tears stinging her eyes.

"What is he doing?" Edward shouted.

"I don't know!" Bella sobbed.

"_I'ma go expose the funky bitch 'cause she thinks she's SO-fisticated._"

Jacob increased the donutocity of Bella's lawn, picking up speed. The bear bobbed to the rhythm, enchanted by this life altering song.

"RrrGGGR!" It exclaimed.

"This is retarded." Edward said, obviously frustrated by the sheer donutocity his girlfriend's lawn was being exposed to.

Jacob's car was driving erotically, he spun onto the road and crashed.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" Jacob yelled, his car now stationary. He staggered out of the car, tripping on his way out. "Fuck."

Bella's sobbing became subdued but Edward's anger was just as intense as it had been. It meant everything.

***

Edward stared deeply into Jacob's eyes, trying to read his thoughts. But the only thing going through Jacob's mind was the Grinch theme song.

"Of all the things to think about," Edward said, clearly disturbed.

A loud gunshot rang through the air followed by a strange high pitched growl.

"RRnngghrrgr!"

Jacob whipped around to look at the startled bear. It immediately began barrelling towards Bella.

"HURRR!" yelled Edward, who was able to use his powerful legs and endless stamina to reach the bear before it had the chance to maul the screaming Bella. He gracefully kicked the bear in the crotch.

It died instantly.

Edward turned to Jacob, an icy fury burning in his topass(AN: sp?) eyes.

"You're lucky that bear got in the way, or you'd be eating my shit." Edward spat angrily as Jacob glared with something akin to intense love in his eyes.

Jacob reached down and began to undo his pants with ferocity, his eyes still angrily turned to Edward.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked, alarmed.

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch," Jacob began in a quiet murmur. His voice quickly rose for, "you really are a ********."

Edward turned to Bella, a frightened look on his face, "I'm going now." And he made himself sparse.

Jacob, still pant less, laughed heartily as he grabbed the Listerine and strolled inside, a ginger spring in his step. Bella, however, realized no one was paying attention to her anymore.

"Edward, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!" she ran towards the bush but tripped over her half-conscious father and knocked herself out.

Somewhere, Edward was smiling softly.

***

Inside, Jacob and Charlie began knocking back the Listerine. Bottle after bottle until Jacob piped up.

Then Charlie piped up too.

***

After a long, silent, piping up session Jacob finally said something.

"Fucking bitch,"

Charlie nodded solemnly. "I know what you mean. Bitch burned my pork chop sandwiches."

"Fucking bitch." Jacob repeated himself, obviously disoriented from all the piping up.

"Hey, Jake! Wanna see something funny?! It'll cheer you up!" Charlie yelled unnecessarily, he was unable to gauge the volume of his voice.

Jacob found himself and Charlie in Bella's bedroom.

***

Bella woke in a daze…outside.

It was chilly out so she went inside to grab a cardigan. Inside the house she was confronted with a foul stench.

"Dad? Did you shit behind the TV?"

"Sorry, fuck…" Charlie mumbled, lying on the floor, his arm stuck in a jar of peanut butter. His entire arm.

Bella went into the bathroom in search of cleaning supplies. In the bathroom she found herself ankle-deep in water. Stinky water. Septic water. Water with pees and poops. And by the looks of it, it had been stagnant for some time.

She sloshed her way over to the toilet and knew it was Jacob's work. There, in tiny pellet sized turds, was Jacob's name nestled in the bowl.

***

It had been a long day for Bella. It was soothing to be lying in bed, her soft pillow beneath her head. She drew a long breath in, it smelled like her childhood. Burned hair and ass. She gratefully nuzzled her face into her pillow and went to sleep.

***

When Bella awoke, she felt fully refreshed except for the fact that she couldn't open her eyes. She gently prodded her eye sockets, finding her eye lashes glued shut with hardened weeping's.

Her first instinct was to rub her face into her pillow, realizing, again, that it smelled like an infected butthole. Her second instinct was to barrel down the stairs with her eyes still shut.

It was several hours later that she woke up. She started jerking, her epilepsy flaring up. She smelled the strong smell of toast.

"Dad, did you shit behind the TV again?"

It was several half hours later when she awoke once again. By then her flailing had wiped away most of the crusties. Her fake eye lashes had been ripped from her top lids and were now dangling down her cheek.

She hopped up, shook out and straightened her hair, and hobbled out the door in the direction of Edward's house.

Several stone throws away, she arrived at the Cullen's house. Edward was already outside, trimming the hedges.

"Hey, Edwaaaarrrrrrrd." Bella squealed, pleasure running through her veins.

"Hi, Belllllllllla." Edward said, hiking his pants back up, several Mexicans bolted, screaming, from the bush. "Oh god. You look like shit." He smiled softly.

"I knoooooooow. What is it?" She spasmed.

"I think it's pinkeye." Edward smiled softly but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Can I have a ki-"

"No." His face was emotionless granite, but his words were filled with anger. "I can't believe you, Bella. How will I get my butterfly kisses now?"

"I can still-"

"No."

"Well can I at least come inside?" she whined courteously.

Edward paused. "No," he said, "no, I don't think so." And he turned to go inside.

Bella followed him in.

Inside the house, Carlisle looked very surprised to see Bella, but Esme looked very pleased. Delighted in fact.

"Oh! Bella! I like your moustache." She said with mock enthusiasm. Bella didn't catch the sarcasm.

"What?" Bella asked as her hands rose to her upper lip.

Edward started to chuckle heartily. Then Bella joined in.

"Oh, a joke! How clever!" Bella whined.

"Oh for chrissakes, Bella." Carlisle said, hostile. He shoved her in front of a mirror.

When she looked at herself she didn't recognize the bitch before her. Drawn on her face was a nice handlebar moustache, a monocle, and a uni-brow. She didn't fail to see the messy, drunken, backward mirror image of "Jacob Rulez."

Her appalled face made Esme double over in laughter.

"What a retard," she daintily laughed.

Bella sobbed, turning to Edward.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Edward smiled softly.

***

There was a knock on the Cullen's door.

Edward elegantly sauntered over to the door, opened it and immediately slammed it and went to sit on a couch. Jacob opened up the door and fell into the house.

"Hurrrr," was the sound he made when he hit the floor. He knocked over a priceless vase near a large stain glass window and as he stumbled to get to his feet, he tripped and fell through the window.

He returned through the door smiling.

"Hey guys." He said. Carlisle looked appalled. It was obviously Jacob had wet himself.

"Uh, would you like an extra pair of pants, Jacob?" Carlisle asked.

Jacob blinked confusedly, "What for?" he asked as he stumbled over to an expensive designer couch and sat.

Esme was shocked. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Jacob farted. "Safety."

Esme stood silent, stunned.

"Please get off of there." Carlisle said.

Jacob started to ass grind into the delicate crème coloured cushion. He then laid down and sneezed into the cushion.

"Get out." Edward was furious.

"No." Jacob said.

Bella gave him a disgusted look through puffy, crusty eyes. "Jacooooob. Get out." She echoed Edward.

"Shut up." Edward told Bella.

Jacob piped up. Then Edward piped up. Soon everyone started to pipe up. Charlie busted through the door. "Hey man, can I have some of that shit?"

Soon all of the Cullen's except Rosalie were piping up with Bella, Jacob, and Charlie.

"Oh fuck," Charlie said, "I think I had too much."

Jacob piped up.

Rosalie glided gently down the stairs. "What smells like Edwards ballsack?"

Bella giggled.

"You don't know what that smells like!" she giggled.

"Yes, I do." Rosalie said and Bella didn't say another word.

Charlie laughed at Bella. "Dumb bitch."

Charlie piped up, "Hey, everyone! I have an announcement!…BELLA GOT HER PERIOD!"

All the vampires descended upon Bella and killed her.

***

Jacob stood over Bella's grave, weeping.

Edward saddled up beside him, silently. Somewhere, in the background, a horse whinnied.

Jacob let out a little poot. Edward let out a deep, rich, bellow of a fart.

Jacob giggled.

They looked longingly at each other.

"You still got that bear?" Edward said seductively.

"It's dead." Jacob said, confused.

Edward smiled softly.

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! So sorry for the long hiatus. We've been busy. Anyway, here's part two and expect part three soon.

Sincerely,

Dave Bear & Tim Puffin

Part Two

(Edwards POV)

I rolled over yet again to face the clock which was glaring at me.

'_2:19 p.m_.' Fuck…

I hate not being able to fucking sleep. I rolled out of bed and paced around my small motel room, trying to think of ways to get to sleep.

"Fuck this, I'm going for a smoke…" I smiled softly to myself as I grabbed my cardigan, pulling it over my icy, marble chest before quietly making my way down to the side of the small building.

I leaned against the wall and sighed, a soft smile on my face. I wished that I had been wearing pants. I let out a baritone meat fart. It was the best I'd felt all day.

"Hey, stranger." I heard from behind me.

I jumped and turned around. I must not have heard Jacob due to the sheer volume of my flatulence, and he was smiling softly due to my reaction.

"Fuck, Black, are you trying to kill me?"

That soft smile stayed on his face as I watched him take a drag from his cigarette, the tip glowing brilliantly as he inhaled, and it reminded me why I was out here in the first place. I went to reach for my pack when I realized…I didn't have them with me. I would later find out that I had forgotten them, sandwiched between my large and small intestines.

"Fuck…" I smiled softly to myself.

Jacob laughed as he handed me his smoke, digging into his pocket to pull out a bottle of Listerine and a peace pipe for himself.

"Oh thanks…" I said with a soft smile, taking a long drag.

"Mhmm," was his reply as he turned against the wind, lighting the peace pipe hanging from his mouth. "So what brings you out here on this wonderful night?" He asked me, rubbing his arms as he gingerly sauntered over to me.

"I couldn't sleep." I said, still annoyed at the fact that I couldn't.

"So you come out here…in the cold…and you expect that to help?" He laughed.

"Oh, fuck off," I mumbled, blushing slightly.

*Spiritual Chanting*

"I said fuck off!"

"C'mon kid, let's try to connect you to the Raven spirit." I looked up at him confused and he grabbed my hand, leading me back to the motel. He opened the door to his room and went straight for his bag, pulling out a small bottle of Listerine.

"Jacob, I don't drink." I said shaking my head.

"Oh, well then," he tossed the bottle aside, "we'll have to think of something else that'll make Eddie sleepy."

I laughed and shook my head as he sat down, patting the bed next to him, wanting me to sit down, which I did. He slung his arm around my shoulder, looking at me from the corner of his eye.

"So, what always makes you tired?"

'…Jogging?' I burst out laughing at my thought, making him turn to me more, looking completely lost.

"Wow, you must be tired…" He said, smiling softly.

"Sorry, sorry…stupid thought."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me,"

"No,"

"C'mon! Tell me!"

I shook my head furiously, trying not to giggle.

"Edward!" He said, crossing his arm. That meant he refused to drop this subject.

"It's nothing, really. It's just when you asked what always makes me tired…"

"What?"

"The only thing I could think of was jogging."

"Oh…" He nodded slowly. "I know whatcha mean, puts me right out afterwards, too. Sure, sure." We sat there in silenced for a few minutes before I stood up.

"Fuck, I might as well just go back to my room." I smiled softly down at him. "No point in both of us being kept up because of my inability to sleep."

"Edward it's alright. I can't sleep either…" He grabbed my hand and pulled me down so I landed in his lap. We both started smiling softly and neither of us made an attempt to change the situation. We slowly stopped smiling and looking at each other, still smiling softly.

"Edward?" It was barely a whisper.

"Hmm?" He moved a bit closer to me.

"S-since neither of us can sleep…"

'…What?'

"…And…you know…" He leaned closer to me, our noses almost touching now. "It works for both of us…?" He mumbled, his eyes darting from my eyes to the floor. He smiled ever so softly.

'He wants to go jogging?' I just stared at him completely confused.

Then he gently pressed his lips to mine, and I jumped up, even more confused.

"Uh, Jacob, I'll…figure something out, and-" He grabbed my hand and stood up, pulling me back to him "Edward," he whispered, smiling softly. "It…wouldn't mean anything…"

'Why are we not talking about jogging anymore?'

He leaned down to kiss me again. "No…no…" I said shaking my head and he pulled away from me, letting go of my hand.

"…Alright." He turned away from me and sat on the bed heavily; grabbing the Listerine bottle he had thrown aside. Jacob got angry when he drank. I smiled softly.

I smiled softly before slowly moving over and sitting next to him on the bed.

"…Have you ever…Ever been jogging with another guy before?" I asked and he nodded slowly, still reading the 'suggested doses'. "…What's it like?"

He jumped a bit and looked over at me before shrugging.

"It's…jogging. So it's good." I smiled softly at the wise slur in his voice.

"Like…how good?" I looked down blushing uncontrollably.

"…Would you like to find out?" I nodded slowly and when I looked up he was right in front of me, smiling softly. "You sure?" I smiled softly and nodded again, still blushing like mad when he pressed his lips against mine again. He moved his hands to the side of my face and began stroking my cheek lightly as he let out a deep baritone fart. I couldn't help but squeeze out a high pitch whistle of a fart…

Jacob smiled softly with wild rage and whispered, "Now _that's_ what I like to hear." He grabbed my shoulders and started to pipe up, nearly shoving his peace pipe down my throat.

I gasped for breath as he pulled away. He was…a very good Native American cheef. I shivered and smiles softly. He smiled softly and began smiles softly.

"Mmmmp, Jacob…" I moved my hands to his hair, he clearly had been rubbing his hair in dogshit.

"For someone who was reluctant all of five minutes ago, you're certainly getting into-"

"Shut up!" I yelled and farted, ripping a little bit out, and crashing our highfives together. It was his turn to moan.

"Fuck, Edward…" He mumbled, pushing me down on the bed slightly as he pulled the covers over my face and dutch ovened me until I passed out and vomited. I couldn't help but giggle as he moved his hands slowly up my cardigan. "Aww, you're ticklish?" I could not for the life of me stop vomiting. I couldn't breath, I was dying.

He pulled away from me and smiled down softly. I nodded, half smiling softly, half blushing. "You're so damn adorable," he whispered before leaning down and kissing me angrily…like a bear…a bear that's actually a wolf.

_SO-fisticated _whispered the night, _Bitch gotta problem cuz she thinks she's SO-fisticated._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Bella sat picking her nose under a white sheet, knowing well that no one could see her. She was in her father's living room, she now haunted his house. She could not remember where Edward lived. Charlie walked into the room and sat down on the couch.

"Stop hogging the blanket, it's cold as tits here." Charlie slurred. He smelt of Listerine and turpentine. This turpentine was a new fad that Jacob had introduced him to. He slurred again, "Bella, get me a sandwich."

And Bella wept for him. She knew her father went insane two months after she died three weeks ago. He had been talking as if he could see her, a tormented ghost, and had routinely been reminding her that her mother had drank during her pregnancy. This brought fresh tears to her eyes as she shuddered and winced daintily. Just like she did during her childhood.

Charlie grabbed the corner of the sheet she was hiding under and draped it over his lap. Bella froze under the sheet, she had to keep her ghostliness a secret because then Edward would think she was special. Charlie let out a good, heartily sized fart and chuckled contently. Bella kept as still as possible. The smell of rancid meat had escaped Charlie's colon and was now filling up underneath the blanket.

"Ha ha. Dutch oven," a voice called out. It was Edward.

Bella peaked out from under her sheet in time to see the two men high five. Edward smiled softly.

"Bella, we need to talk, in private." Edward said. Bella didn't move, she knew it would cause Edward too much pain to lose her a second time. She picked at her nose thoughtfully, observing Edward. He stared into the seemingly empty space she was occupying. She was filled with sorrow, Edward was staring off into nothing, probably reminiscing about her.

"Get upstairs right fucking now." He said, a tone of anger in his voice. Bella didn't move. "I will straight up murder you, bitch. Get upstairs." Edward furiously yelled, smiling softly. He then turned and walked up the stairs. A moment passed before Bella ripped the blanket from her now sleeping father and quietly followed. Going up the stairs she heard her poor father lament,

"Fuck you, Bella. _I will shit ALL over these walls."_

She ignored him.

Bella found Edward sitting in the rocking chair in her room, violently rocking it, smiling softly. He was singing soulfully, "…and I've been waitin' for this moment for all my life. Hold OOOooon."

And Bella was touched. It was a song dedicated to her, she just knew it. Edward was such a good musician. She sat down on the bed.

"Now I will tell you why I brought you here." Edward said, he stopped rocking and his face was intense. Bella peered back at him. There was a brooding silence in the air for a long time. A deep bastard of a pause.

"Take that fucking blanket off your head."

Bella was startled. She winced and shuddered. She then began to violently shake and foam at the mouth. She fell suddenly limp. Edward left the room.

For well over an hour Bella lay prone in her bedroom. Edward returned, carrying some Taco Del Mar he had picked up. He had left the authentic Mexican drug addict, as Charlie had requested he pick up while he was there, in the living room.

Several quarter hours later, after Edward was done his lunch, he was squatting over Bella's face, working up a powerful gas. Charlie and the Mexican were there.

"Just wait. Wait, wait till she wakes up." Charlie told him.

"Wake her up. I can't hold it." Edward smiled softly. The Mexican pulled something out of his pocket and Bella was tased back to life.

She woke up flailing and baffled, a powerful wind had blown back her eyelashes and stung her eyes. Her head was forced back by the intensity of it and she smacked her head, giving her severe brain damage and forced her eyes into permanent outward-facing angles. As she got up she saw Charlie buckled over laughing outside her room. He threw his head back in delight and lost his balance, knocking him and the Mexican down the stairs. He had lost control of his bladder on the fall down.

"Oh _fuck_."

Edward sat back down in the rocking chair, and Bella went to pick up her ghost blanket.

"No." Edward said. Bella stared at him blankly, her eyes going in opposite directions. It was really the armoire and the night stand. "Fuck you," he smiled softly, "let me tell you my story."

His whispery tones seduced Bella and she stared longingly at Edward and the wall on the other side of the room.

Edward started, "Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down." It was obvious this was emotional for him. "Let me take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

Edward sat for a moment in contemplation. "In west Philadelphia, born and raised-"

"I thought you were born in Chicago?" Bella interrupted.

"Believe me, Bella, on the playground was where I spent most of my days. He quietly sat and smiled softly at the fondly remembered moments. "Chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool…and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school." His face hardened then and his soft smiles morphs into a bitter grimace. "When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood."

"Edward," Bella quietly sobbed, "I didn't know." She stared at him with crooked, tear stained eyes,

"Fuck you, " Edward told her silently and nodded, "But I digress, I got in one little fight and my mom got scared." He turned his face away from Bella, and she could feel the pain in those words. "She said, 'you're moving with you're auntie and uncle in Bel Air.'"

Bella gasped.

"Those are Fresh Prince lyrics," Jacob said.

Jacob had walked in, presumably filled with turpentine, sat down on the bed and vomited violently.

"Turpentine is toxic. I'm dying." He said pleasantly to no one, "I'm also blind."

Edward stared at him in confusion, "Why did you drink it?"

"Because there was no more Clorox, you see" Jacob paused for dramatic effect, "because I don't. _Hahahahaha-_." It was a manic and hoarse laugh that went on far too long.

"_Jacob how could you?_" Bella whined, "My father is going to die. You said it was safe." She didn't need another ghost stealing her ghost-thunder.

"Why is he still fucking laughing?" Edward remarked, ignoring Bella completely.

Charlie stumbled and fell back upstairs, brandishing his police weapon.

"And by police weapon I mean my junk" he said, grabbing and shaking it through his pants. No one had any idea of what the context of the comment he made was. It just happened. Like the hand of god.

"And by hand of god I mean my hand, grabbing my police weapon." He was this time grabbing an automatic pistol and held down on the trigger until the clip was done. A stray bullet hit and killed a neighbour, but Bella wasn't in love with them so that was alright with everyone.

"_Daaaaaad_." Bella whined, "This is serious. Edward and Jacob are going to fight for my love." She had forgotten that Jacob was quite past dead and that her father needed medical attention.

"What? No." Edward smiled softly, "I would fight Jacob over that piece of dogshit we fought over last week before I fought over you."

Bella beamed at Edward, she didn't understand his metaphor but it was poetic. It brought her to tears.

"Just look at her, smiling and drooling and crying." Charlie mumbled, "Her mother couldn't have given any less fucks while she was pregnant with her. Drank constantly, did drugs, let people ride her down the stairs like a sled. What a whore."

Edward turned to Bella, now that the Jacob was dead it seemed like a waste to be around the mongoloid. The weird sexual tension just wasn't there anymore. Because he was dead.

"Bella its for your own good that I go, its dangerous to be around me." He whispered to her.

"_I'm gonna kill myself if you leave me Edwarrrrrd" Bella screamed._

"_Good." Charlie laughed. Offering Edward a high five, but missing and slapping him right in his god damn face. Edward began to cry and ran from the room. Charlie laughed so hard he began to urinate. He began to urinate and never stopped._

_Bella was in tears, so violently she began to shake. The floor was just a pool of tears and urine, and that's where she landed as she passed into a seizure. Face first._

_When she awoke she sputter, attempting to breathe through the fluid. It was several minutes before she realized she needed to lift her head. When she stood up she saw that Edward was still gone, Charlie had disappeared too, and that the only person left was Jacob's corpse._

"_Oh Jacob! You're a ghost too!" Bella squealed in delight. "Now we can get married like you always wanted!"_

_Bella dragged Jacob's corpse into town, attempting to find a minister to marry them. Unfortunately Bella was profoundly retarded and got lost in the woods, resorting to eating Jacob's turpentine embalmed corpse for sustenance three hours after she left. She was a vampire now, she decided._

_The police found them and shot Bella because they couldn't have her potentially contaminate the gene pool. Charlie had finally realized his dreams of becoming the best god damn cop, ever, because that's what he'd always been in his heart all along. And Edward was arrested for forcing himself on inebriated homeless men. It was the happiest ending ever and by far more complex than the original._


End file.
